Recognizing Abuse in Marriage: A Crucial Responsibility
Dr. Sandra A. Cruise is a highly respected professional with a Doctor of Ministry (D.Min.) degree and a master’s degree in Biblical Counseling from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. She serves as the director of the Domestic Abuse Network for churches in Maryland and is a sought-after speaker, delivering training seminars for church leaders and pastors to raise awareness and understanding of domestic abuse. Through Life Counseling Center Ministries in Marriottsville, Md., Sandy provides individual counseling and leads a support group for victims of domestic abuse. She also facilitates groups for men who have committed acts of abuse. Alongside her husband, Marc, she is an active member of a Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) church. They have three adult children, two grandsons, and a demanding Morkie.
Every marriage faces challenges, but not all problems are equally severe. As shepherds and counselors, we have a responsibility to not only address marital issues but also to recognize instances of abuse. This awareness is vital, as it enables us to discern what kind of support and counsel is needed. Abuse within a marriage context is one of the most complex and confusing counseling situations. Even for those experiencing the abuse, it is often not immediately apparent that they are being treated abusively. Several factors contribute to the confusion surrounding abuse in an intimate partner relationship. One factor is the terminology we use to describe abuse.
When most people hear the words “domestic abuse” or the more contemporary term “intimate partner violence,” they typically think of physical harm like broken bones or bruises. While physical violence or the threat of it is sometimes present, it’s not usually the first resort. Those who use abusive tactics are intelligent and aware enough to know that they do not want to be caught and therefore hide their actions. A man who abuses his wife will usually not mistreat her during bible study or in front of others. A person who uses abusive behaviors knows that physical violence is not acceptable behavior, and so that might be a line that they have decided not to cross. Often, there is a lot of justification for why their behavior is not abusive, simply because “I never hit her”. Also, those who use abusive means are not necessarily trying to harm their spouse physically; instead, they want to control their partner, and if withholding finances, yelling, belittling, isolating, stonewalling, or other covert behaviors work to maintain control, then physical violence isn’t necessary. Abuse is more than physical violence, and it’s important to begin with a more accurate definition and understanding.
Two factors that help determine what constitutes domestic abuse are power and control. Understanding these factors can help us recognize and understand the relational environment of abuse. Abuse always involves one person in the relationship holding more power than the other. This can include physical strength and size, financial power as the family’s breadwinner, social connections such as being a community leader, or holding certain views of spiritual authority. Abuse can then happen when the person with more power decides to misuse that power and is willing to oppress their partner in a way that controls the other’s freedom and personhood. We can easily recognize the power dynamic in the Exodus story, where the Pharaoh of Egypt had power over citizens’ lives. The Israelites could not simply leave to go and worship God. The Pharaoh controlled their freedom and was willing to exert power over them to achieve his goals. The Israelites learned to live within this context. While they certainly didn’t wish to be treated and controlled in this subservient way, they still had provisions of food and a roof over their heads, so they carried on. It wasn’t until the Lord intervened by providing someone backed by his authority and power that the Israelites could hope for a better life.
God hates oppression, and when oppression happens in a covenant relationship, one which is to reflect Jesus’ love, God is angered and desires justice. Those in positions of leadership can be instrumental in using their positions for the greater good. Pastors and counselors certainly hold a sense of authority when speaking about marriage relationships. We write books, take courses, hold seminars, and regularly counsel or preach as those with expertise. When abuse is being used by one person in the marriage, we must use our knowledge to treat the problem carefully and accurately. Because abuse is the desecration of the image of God in another.[1] A great violation has occurred not only to the victim but also directed at the Lord. It requires intervention by those who love Jesus, want to see his glory fill the earth, and believe marriage is highly valued. Domestic abuse is the opposite of covenantal love and corrupts the beautiful picture of marriage presented in scripture of Christ’s love.
So, what are first indicators that the problem is an abusive one rather than a marital one? Often, what works typically in marital counseling will make things worse in an abusive situation. What is usually helpful in normal conflict, such as communication tools, date nights, devotions, understanding love languages, and working on forgiveness, will be weaponized to further suppress the victim. The abuser will use the counseling conversations against their spouse, and the one doing the counseling will never know this is happening. The one being controlled might not have the freedom to even talk about what is happening with the abusive person present in counseling. Abuse is not a marriage problem or a two-person problem. It occurs when one person consistently misuses their power to oppress and control another. When abuse becomes a question or concern, then marital counseling is not appropriate. Because domestic abuse situations can escalate into greater violence when control is challenged, suggested best practices are described as a coordinated community response. This approach involves recruiting others who have a specialty in domestic abuse. Pairing the victim with someone who understands relational oppression and can support the victim as well as advocate for her to others is needed. Specialized abuse counseling for the person causing the harm is also recommended in an individual or group setting. This kind of informed and careful intervention is essential.
Just as Moses was called to use his voice to advocate for the oppressed, despite the discomfort it might bring or the lack of applause from others, we, as church leaders, must recognize and address domestic abuse. By taking this responsibility seriously and responding appropriately, we set a powerful example of caring for those who are being harmed, reflecting true love for Christ.
[1] Greg Wilson & Jeremy Pierre “When Home Hurts”
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